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HangTime Humor

by "TailDragger"

   Dear Mr. Traildragger:
    I keep hearing about those new electric Mini Choppers that sell for under $150.00 and that are battery powered. Apparently they use contra rotating props to avoid torque and are easy to operate. What do you think about them?

Henry Hackleberry
    Dear henry,

You must be confused. Small people sometimes need Mini Choppers but they can chomp down on a steak just like the rest of us. Frankly, Dentists are very expensive and I don't think anyone could get a set of choppers, mini or otherwise, for just $150.00 and wonder if you aren't confusing those electric choppers they sell in novelty shops? I think they are wind-up and not electric. Those contra rotating props you heard about are probably a new way of removing plaque. They would get you coming and going.

   Hello Mr. Traildragger:
    Every time I take a lesson from my Flight Instructor, I crash. In fact I hear she crashes more than I do. How can I learn to fly without hurting her feelings? She is 5'-4", a good looking blonde and has a great figure but I can't just keep on crashing like that. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Donald Dorker
    Dear Donald:

Well, son, I suggest you go ahead and just keep on crashing. Is she married? I mean how much can a model airplane cost anyway? Blondes are hard to come by and you don't want to rock the boat, do you? On the other hand, are you sure she isn't a guy afterall, who doesn't know how to comb his toupee? We have a guy like that but he is around 6' and although he wears a dorky looking hat, he doesn't wear a toupee that we know of. If he were standing in a hole, he might look like he was 5'-4". Naw, it couldn't be him, he's so ugly he would frighten a moose away. I hope I have been helpful but keep me posted on your progress. I like to teach blonde Flight Instructors how to fly so maybe I can help her.

   Well Mr. Traildragger:
    I was out flying the other day and I love to do violent 3D aerobatics but when I was doing a "Blender" my wing ripped off. I called the importer/dealer to complain but they told me what I could do with the airplane pieces. I got the impression they were being sarcastic. Actually, I can't do much of anything with the pieces since the Police impounded them after the airplane hit that car. There wasn't much I could do for the driver since I didn't know how to get the glass winshield splinters out of his eyes but I thought when I got my can of spray paint out to paint over the scratch in the hood of his Bentley he would appreciate it. He didn't. It didn't help when he crossed over in front of that semi whose driver lost control and jack knifed all over the road. I take full responsibility for the first car but the Bentley driver is responsible for the semi truck. Besides, I didn't ask that ambulance driver to come out on an oil slick road and can't help that he flipped over into the river next to the road. They should have been better prepared anyway. If they'd had scuba gear in their amublance, they wouldn't have had to swim so far. You got any advice for me?

Gomer Schmidlap
    Dear Gomer:

Son, I think you have a problem here. You know how people are, no one wants to take responsibity for ones actions and would suggest you look in the Yellow Pages for the biggest ads in there. Those ads are usually carried by lawyers and it would seem that you are going to need one soon. The next biggest ads are for used car dealers so don't get them confused. If you are lucky, you should be able to get out of this for under $5,000,000.00, slightly more if they have to repair the oil damage to the highway and they charge you for it. Hey, a little pocket change will take care of all of this mess. By the way, what's 3D and what's a Blender?"

   Hi Mr. Traildragger:
    My name is Ralph Petroglysisantonupulis. I have a problem that I consider serious enough to ask advice for, even from some low life as you. My cousin, Peter Piper Petroglysisantonupulis, has been seduced into flying electrics and every time he goes out to fly, he crashes and burns. Any advice on what I may do about it?
    With a name like yours who gives a darn. No one has a name like that! Now go fly a KITE!!!

    Mr. Taildragger,
    My name is Jose'. I have gotten into flying electrics and have really gotten good at it. I used to fly those smelly greasy gas airplanes but now that I've gotten into electric, I just can't get back into those gas bags. One of the members in my club got me into the electrics and as a matter of fact, he has converted a number of the members to electric. What do you think about this situation?
    Jose', the guy that converted you. Is he sort of tall, ugly and wears preppy clothes, a really dorky looking hat and sloppy looking shoes and does he have the word "Elektrophart" printed on his T-shirt? My suggestion is that you run as fast as you can the other way and don't let this guy mess with your brain. He's from the "Far Side."

   Dear TailDragger;
    My name is George. I've been flying for a few weeks now and my instructor keeps pushing me to try some advanced maneuvers like a rolls. Everytime I try this, I chicken out and only do half the roll and end up diving toward the ground. He keeps telling me it will help with my spatial orientation, whatever that it.
    Well, George, you do have a problem but we have the answer.

If you will look behind the frequency board you will find a bottle of Scotch which is used in situations like this. Just take a snort out of the bottle and then go fly your rolls.

You may still fail to complete the roll and dive into the ground but it won't hurt near as much.

By the way. Your instructor is talking about orienting yourself in space, sort of like when you've had a couple of snorts at a bar and lean too far off your stool. In this case, the airplane is in space and you are hopefully on the ground.

   Dear TailDragger;
    My name is Sam and my girl friend keeps coming to the field with me and of course this isn't a problem except for the fact that she snuggles up to me and nibbles my ear when I'm flying and damn near causes me to crash. How can I politely tell her to quit fooling around while I'm flying and not hurt her feelings.
    No problem Sam. Just point her out to me and I'll take care of her needs while you are flying.

   Dear TailDragger;
    I am Roger Dodger and for some reason after I've been flying for 20 or so minutes, my engine always seems to quit just before I am ready to land. What suggestions do you have for me?
    Mr. Dodger, you just need to lean your engine out some more and although it may ruin your engine for running too hot, you may have enough fuel left to land.

Someone else suggested that you simply land earlier but this is an over simplification of the problem and avoids the root cause of your problem.

You specifically must start thinking outside the box. Now, ask yourself about your relationship with your father when you were ten years old and go from there and soon you will discover the real you. Was your father always nagging you about not having enough gas in the car when you borrowed the family car and did you deliberately run out of gas when you were on a date?

The answer to your question lies not in techical mechanics, leaning engines, carrying more fuel, or landing earlier, but in the real relationship to your father. This is a personal problem, not a mechanical one.

If this advice fails to help you, I have the number of a shrink you can call.

   Dear TailDragger;
    My Name is Peter - Does an airplane know the wind is blowing?
    Yes, it certainly does Peter. For example if you are flying along at a speed of 100 MPH and you have a tailwind of 20 MPH your airplane will actually be flying faster because the wind is pushing against the tail. However, because the airplanes tail is streamlined, the wind won't blow the airplane a lot faster.

This is easy to visualize by using the formulae Ec=Vtr divided by hqrt = squirf.

However, if you are cruising along at 100 MPH into a headwind, you can quickly see that the frontal area of the airplane is not as streamlined as the tail and the wind will effect you more. This is the end result of the SQUIRF factor.

If you have a really strong wind, you can even stall and crash because you are no longer flying fast enough to sustain flight.

Crosswind landings will require a crab angle. I've never figured this one out because I've never had crabs and in fact I think the so-called crab thing is a lot of baloney. In reality, the wind is blowing the airplane sideways and the airplane is simply trying to stay in flight and grabbing for the air that is pushing against the fuselage. I've always suspected that the word crab is a mis-translation of the word grab since it was the Lithuanians who first flew the so-called crab angle.

I hope that clears things up for you!




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